I quite like how you got the idea, of things being scary then brushing it off like it was just a bug but then actually showing the scary thing you didn't want to see. This was a good idea because you built up the suspense, the action of the danger lurking right behind you. Another great thing you added was the sound of objects and the cries of mercy to a murderer. You also added feeling to the character Bob by saying after a steaming hot 2 hour drive which made it feel like Bob was more life like.
Things you need to improve on are spelling, use of capital letters(you don't use a capital K in killer),finishing punctuation( in the sentence "I am here to invade your LIFE you did not finish using the quotation marks or speech marks) You need to work on using different words than just the same one because you keep using Bob a lot and you can get sick of that quite quickly. So instead of just using just Bob try using he and him as well.
VERY good story Ito felt very real I could picture the whole thing because thereally was so much detailess. Your story could use more punctuation but otherwI see it was great
I liked you story ahhh killer clown SCARY. It could yous more detail
ReplyDeleteI quite like how you got the idea, of things being scary then brushing it off like it was just a bug but then actually showing the scary thing you didn't want to see. This was a good idea because you built up the suspense, the action of the danger lurking right behind you. Another great thing you added was the sound of objects and the cries of mercy to a murderer. You also added feeling to the character Bob by saying after a steaming hot 2 hour drive which made it feel like Bob was more life like.
ReplyDeleteThings you need to improve on are spelling, use of capital letters(you don't use a capital K in killer),finishing punctuation( in the sentence "I am here to invade your LIFE you did not finish using the quotation marks or speech marks) You need to work on using different words than just the same one because you keep using Bob a lot and you can get sick of that quite quickly. So instead of just using just Bob try using he and him as well.
Mary and Samantha
VERY good story Ito felt very real I could picture the whole thing because thereally was so much detailess. Your story could use more punctuation but otherwI see it was great
ReplyDelete